Dark Moon: Heart’s Desire
Last night we met for teaching circle where we continued our History of Witchcraft series. This time we discussed the Inquisition & The Malleus Maleficarum. Afterwards we gathered in the circle for our New Moon ritual. I was glad that Rowan prepared a New Moon ritual because the topic for teaching circle was a bit heavy and it was nice to ground & center after what seemed to be an emotional topic for me. I caught myself more than once feeling teary eyed and a bit “dirty”. You know, like I had been walking around in a dusty, windy place and had been perspiring a bit… the dust and grime of that topic seemed to stick to me. I was happy to wash it all off with the New Moon ritual.
That was the focus of our New Moon meditation last night & I thought “That’s simple.” when it was asked of me. We were instructed to write it in the New Moon journals we started in January this year. Even though I was leading the ritual with Rowan, I wanted to participate in the meditation… and so I wrote down “To become a mother, whether by pregnancy or by adoption. That’s my hearts most cherished desire.”
In my former life, when I was married, I tried for several years unsuccessfully to achieve a pregnancy. I underwent extensive infertility treatment, had procedures that determined my fallopian tubes were not blocked, D&C’s to ensure a viable endometrium for the egg to implant to & took Clomid several times. While living abroad I even consulted a fertility doctor regarding IVF and IUI. To this day, I have never been pregnant. My hope is that with the help of modern medicine and a lot of “practice”, that in the future I may get to experience what pregnancy feels like. The odds are stacked against me because of my age (I’m going to be 34 this year) & PCOS is a formidable nemesis, but I’m determined to at least try and see what happens. With a committed & compassionate partner, I’m hoping that when the time is right, all of our determination & “practicing” will pay off. If that’s not in my future, Jay & I have discussed adoption. It’s something I’m very much interested in. I suppose only time will tell. For now, I put my heart’s desire out into the universe and hope to help it manifest someday in the relatively near future.
Music seems to be a focal point of our rituals. It makes sense to me, as I’m a complete music junkie. Fortunately many of the members of our circle are as well. So it seems we always have music to set the mood/tone of ritual. Last night we played the song “Cauldron of Changes” after we finished our meditation. If you aren’t familiar with it, click on that link and listen to it. It’s been one of my favorites for awhile. Catchy little tune. It seemed to help me visualize sending my heart’s desire out into the universe. I imagined that my hearts desire was a bird in my hand… as the music started to reach it’s peak I nudged my little bird to fly away by lifting my hands and after a good nudge it flew, climbing higher until it was so high in the sky that I could no longer see it.
In the past I’ve had fertility spells cast for me, carried crystals infused with fertility blessings & had entire rituals that used the collective energy of the group to send out my wishes into the universe. I think that because I wasn’t with the right partner that none of those things worked. It’s true that “Mother knows best.” as Mother Earth wasn’t prepared to bestow such a responsibility on me knowing that the right elements weren’t in place. Now I know that I’m with the right partner, have had some time to grow and feel truly ready. I’m hoping that someday soon I’ll realize my heart’s desire.